An ex-girlfriend's jealousy disrupts a couples' social life
An ex causes problems for one woman's social life and a man reconnects with a childhood crush after 23 years
I have been dating a man for about six months. I met him through a mutual friend. I am new to the area and only have a few close friends.
Here is the problem – he had a long relationship for about two years before I came into the picture. The relationship ended over a year ago and there are still problems between them.
I didn't think there would be a problem because my boyfriend lives in New Jersey and isn't around for many functions. He's moving back to the area and I am concerned about his ex's jealousy.
Over the holidays we had a few get-togethers and his ex was very jealous and really childish. My boyfriend gets very angry and upset over this. It really puts a damper on our social life. We even have rules regarding our behavior during weddings and the like. People have asked us to "be cool."
I do not want to give up my friends, but it seems really hard to go to places where I do not feel comfortable. Is there any way to fix this? What can I do? Help!
– Loving Person, Lansdale
Dear Loving Person,
First, you must realize that your relationship is between you and your boyfriend. Your true friends will stick by you no matter what.
My advice is for you and your boyfriend to lay low. If people are going out to the bar, going out to dinner or going bowling, for instance, then you and your man should do something else.
Your friends will miss having you guys around and they will want to hang out with you, so much so that they will start giving the ex-girlfriend a hard time for being a jerk.
The minute you separate yourself from the crowd, there will be a backlash. The ex-girlfriend will be blamed as the reason why you two are not hanging out as often.
It might be dull in the beginning, but the effort to lay low from the group will pay off in the end.
I’m certain that you and your boyfriend are great companions to your friends and, trust me, they will miss you.
Call your friends individually and make plans excluding the ex-girlfriend. While you all may have much in common, not everyone gets along. There’s no trouble in letting her know you don’t want to hang out with her.
You can’t make people change, but you can be in charge of what your behavior is. You can get something across without getting into a confrontation or telling her off. Just remove yourself from the situation.
Make sure you express to your friends it has nothing to do with them. You are taking steps to sit back and your friends will miss you, as you are a great part of the group. Then they will tell her she better wise up.
You don’t have to bend to her child’s play.
I have recently come in contact with someone I haven't seen in 23 years (since fifth grade, to be exact) and over the last 23 years I've wondered where she was and how she was doing from time to time.
One day, I saw she had a Facebook page, so I sent her a friend request. I also wrote her a message, hoping she remembered me from so long ago. To my delight, she did.
We messaged back and forth for a while and I gave her my phone number. About two weeks later, out of the blue, I get a call from West Virginia and it was her!
I was very happy to hear from her and found out that we had become more alike over those 23 years apart than if we never lost touch.
We have been talking a lot and messaging each other a lot too. I discovered we both became single at around the same time.
She invited me to come and stay with her for a week, so I just jumped in my car and drove 612 miles to Huntington, West Virginia to see someone I haven't seen in 23 years.
I had no idea what to expect, but when I saw her I felt like nothing had really changed since fifth grade. Now the part that has been eating at me: if I were to tell her that I feel a lot more for her than just friends and she feels the same, is that really fair? One of us would have to pick up their lives and move over 600 miles. Furthermore, if she's not interested in me at all, I don't want our friendship to become awkward. Help!
– Long Lost Love? Southampton
You only live this life once and you have to take on every opportunity and chance that comes along.
You reconnected after 23 years and that is really saying something.
If you are going to take my advice, you should definitely tell her how you feel. People pick up and move every day for relationships. If it’s meant to be, you will make it work.
This is something you have to jump on; if you let it pass you by, you could be turning down your soul mate.
Coming from a female, no girl is going to have you come visit that far just because she thinks you are friends!
If it turns out she really just likes you as a friend, at least you know and at least she knows, and you can continue as such.
You may be hurt for a short while, but you made every possible effort. If all works out well, you’ll spend the rest of your life with the person you were meant to be with.