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Big Bird and the Second Amendment Solution

How do the attacks on Big Bird affect him?

The Bird is scared.  Mitt Romney wants to kill him and he knows it.  The last time a presidential candidate said they wanted to kill someone in a national debate; it did not end well for a Mr. bin Laden.

So in the backwoods of the Pocono Mountains the fog of the morning is clearing.  You can hear gunshots in the distance.  This is a training facility for the para-military – a militia.  Looking into the fog a familiar silhouette is outlined, it is  a big bird.  He is holding a .50 caliber sniper’s rifle.

The familiar voice carries through the trees, “Did I do that right?  Did I hit the target?”  A reassuring grown-up voice re-assured, “Yes, you did Big Bird.  That was a Bull’s eye”.

“Thank you, Mr. Navy Seal.”

As the outline comes into sight he has changed.  His feathers are now dyed cammo-green and olive.  He sits down next to me.  “I have been taking wing-to-hand combat lessons.  It is tough, but I am learning.  I have my talons sharpened now, and I am serrating my beak for the first time.  Want to see my tattoo?”

This whole thing with Mitt Romney has everyone scared.  Over the next hill, Elmo is learning how to use a grenade launcher.

The Bird started speaking again.  “I don’t know what I did to Mitt Romney.  Someone must have treated him pretty mean for him to act the way he does.  I remember reading where his school days included a time when he actually held down another boy against his will and cut his hair.  Maybe he just doesn’t like people with yellow hair or feathers.”  Looking at his green feathers, “I am not taking any chances, just in case”.

I asked about the debate.

“I know Mr. Lehrer.  He is a very kind and gentle man.  I feel bad about the way he was treated.  It was almost like Mr. Romney was out to get him.  He was mean to him and would not let him speak.”

“I saw Mr. Lehrer like one of the kids on Sesame Street would see a teacher.  We have to respect people like teachers.  They do things for us.  If one of the children in the classroom acted the way Mr. Romney acted to a teacher, we would call his mommy and daddy and tell them he was behaving badly and could not come back to school and says he is sorry to the teacher and all his classmates.  I am sure his daddy would not be happy with him.”

“If I was Mr. Lehrer and Mr. Romney treated me like that I would probably cry.  I would have to get up and walk away until Mr. Romney started acting like a nice person.”

The once yellow bird looked down at the gun.  His voice spoke in a quieter tone, “Mr. Romney has changed me.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t like these things, but I feel like I have to defend myself.  I have to get back to learning.  The very nice people here are showing me what a Second Amendment Solution is.”

He got up and walked away.  He turned and said, “Why do these people have to be so mean?”

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Trent Andary October 08, 2012 at 01:11 AM
bloody brilliant
LOOPYLEAH October 08, 2012 at 05:58 AM
HAHAHA LOVE IT!! KUDOS!!
Mike October 08, 2012 at 04:54 PM
Ask yourself how much money does Big Bird make? Sesame Street is the 1%. Remember all those tickle me Elmo dolls? They make millions and can fund themselves. This is an argument about the role of government not whether we like a children's cartoon. The fact that this is now a rallying cry for liberals shows how out of touch and can not make an argument to vote for Obama.
John Q. Public October 08, 2012 at 06:38 PM
Like Mike said, Romney stated he would defund a highly profitable TV/movie franchise, which doesn't need my tax dollars. Big Bird is a huge financial success; spend the $400 million on the SF school system. Better yet, give it to the military. His remarks were excellent symbolism of the entrenched waste - even smallish $400 mil - that permeates our government.
Joseph Finnick October 08, 2012 at 08:21 PM
PBS works by funding the stations, not the specific programs. Would Big Bird survive? Yes, but only in major markets. Also, the gains from Sesame Street would not be able to support the entire PBS system as much of the money for that merchandising goes through many middle men (check who makes the toys). Trying to simplify this does not do it justice as it has been shown through independent studies that the government gets some of the best bang for its buck out of supporting PBS.
Randy Connolly October 08, 2012 at 09:02 PM
If you love this PBS programming so much then contribute more of your money to keep them going. Just pretend its another TAX imposed on you by the goevernment, And all is well.
Joe The Nerd Ferraro October 08, 2012 at 10:21 PM
Actually - Romney picking on Big Bird shows how heartlessly out of touch he is. Want to ride on the roof with his dog?
Joe The Nerd Ferraro October 08, 2012 at 10:22 PM
Romney remarks were planned, rude and insulting.
Joe The Nerd Ferraro October 08, 2012 at 10:23 PM
we can defund this right after we defund the oil companies...
mr whirly October 08, 2012 at 11:00 PM
....And abolish the federal wage tax And the IRS as well.
Tom Bartman October 08, 2012 at 11:52 PM
Big Bird makes more than Mitt Romney and pays less in taxes - big bird is the .001% http://wyblog.us/blog/media/big-bird-richer-than-romney.html
Feodor Tiorlenko October 09, 2012 at 02:30 AM
We've got a very large group of negros, latinos (illegal and otherwise), Asians, mentally ill and elderly who we are going to drive to the polls on election day. We'll just hand write their names on the elections rolls and have them push the big "D" button. Among this group of voting elgible misfits is Tom Bartman, Mr. Whirly, Randy Connolly, John Q. Public, Joseph Finnick and Mike Shortall. Funny thing is they speak Spanish, have slanty eyes and eat a lot of rice. They're just pushing the "D" button to screw y'all. So Jennifer Q, Macaroni is off duty from the weekend and people get to express their opinion.
Feodor Tiorlenko October 09, 2012 at 02:32 AM
Sorry, it was Jennifer Q. Macaroni n' Cheese is off duty from the weekend and people get to express their opinion. JQMn'C is not of Italo-American descent.
Wkdwtch October 09, 2012 at 06:36 AM
Feodor it's too bad you waste your freedom of speech rights in our great country spewing hatred.
Mike October 09, 2012 at 04:50 PM
I agree we can defund the oil companies but not until we are energy independent. How much will gas rise when we do that? But then again that is probably your plan. Please do not use gas or ride in any car if that is your true belief.

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